Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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