I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
