Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't notice because vodka
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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