If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
