so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
