you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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