If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
