are you still at the devil's house?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
