The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
