My liver just broke up with me...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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