Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
