you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
