You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
