my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
