You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
