i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
