I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
