Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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