Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
