ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
