cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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