All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
