i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
