I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
