The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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