There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
