Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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