the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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