the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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