I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
