I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
