I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
