If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
