there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
