We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
