i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
