i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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