Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
