She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
