Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
