so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
