I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
