Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You're like the curious george of whores
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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