I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
