My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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