There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
