woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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