There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
