According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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