It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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