remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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