I just saw a hot homeless man
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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